Q &

Why is it that I think so much more than I feel?

I’m not concerned about it. (Or I try not to be.) But I’m curious. (Or I try to be.) On the playground of my conscious life, my Mind is a quick and cackling imp, running circles around a ponderous and distracted older child: the Heart. He’s looking off into nowhere particular and ignoring the probing jabs and shouts of the younger boy. His eyes focus and unfocus with frustrating irregularity (frustrating not to he himself, but to the imp, who begs incessantly for the older boy’s help with random this-or-that’s and all too rarely rarely receives it).

I wonder why the older boy won’t focus like the younger wants him to – and whether or not it would be good for him to do so.

What is a waste of time, and what is esoteric, and why am I afraid of the both of them?

I don’t know if it’s valuable to record these wandering monologues. Do they help us think more clearly, or muddle us further? I think they help me; I hope they help you. Writing is like taking a picture of thought: every idea which once flew or flickered, promenaded or snuck about, is suddenly frozen and on display. Writing is like wrestling: difficult, sometimes sweaty, and dangerous around fire. Writing is like vomiting: one feels as though one must get something out, and feels better for it, afterwards.

I wonder why thinking feels so effortless, and is so difficult to present proof of.

Why do I feel I must anchor myself with legalism, and fly with liberality as fuel?

I rest and find peace in rules. (“I must make myself sleep for a given amount of hours.” “I need to balance play with study.” “I have to-“) But I am joyful and reinvigiorated when I break them. (Have you ever walked out to stare at the stars at two in the morning? Have you skipped school? Do you know that gut feeling that you are doing something right? Do you distrust it?) Would Icarus have flown more safely with a pair of heavy boots? I can’t tell if balance is supposed to be the careful weighing of extremes against each other, or a steady stream of pleasures and inconveniences so mild that they need hardly be weighed at all.

I wonder if I am procrastinating, or preparing.


One thought on “Q &

  1. *reads tag: wanting sandwiches. Considers implications on Seth’s current thoughts*

    Appetite leads to hunger, hunger to want, want to all other manner of thoughts. A physical hunger can easily remind one of the greater desires inside. A physical absence can lead to a recognition of weakness, hence why fasting is a gateway into prayer. Your mind knows of your body’s weaknesses and pushes you to follow rules to counteract these through necessary means (food, sleep, working to provide), while your heart senses weakness when he does not rule over your actions, so he pushes and goads and finds joy by driving you to do that which is based on feeling and experience. Yet, we know both of these are part of our flesh, that which is “sold under sin” (Romans 7:14). Although my mind may do his best to keep me healthy, it is based entirely on my understanding. Although my heart may provide joy, it is an intermittent joy that is entirely subjective to what it wants.

    Being a Christian, a conflict emerges in the center or your very being: the more you grow and understand the beauty of the world we live in and the wonders of feelings and experiences, you also grow in the knowledge of the truth and of Christ, as well as your own sinfulness. While you may know and desire good things often, your heart and mind together twist and turn and take things of this earth and make them more and more valuable the more you see how shallow they can be. You KNOW what is truly right and good, but you THINK and FEEL other things are just as beautiful. This doesn’t help that you always feel things are good and are to be enjoyed as God has created them to be, and your heart twists this to apply to more and more things. The lines blur quickly and you begin to question things. That quiet elder child often refuses to communicate with his younger brother, the mind, lest he be exposed as the trouble maker he truly is. If his brother, the mind knew this, he would tattle and all other members would seek to restrain him. But if the heart disguises his actions under the ruse of simple joy that invigorates the body, the mind will leap on it and declare it good, as long as it doesn’t violate its own productivity too much. Sadly, this younger brother can be fooled and tricked many a time, and even without this, can neglect that which does not immediately fall into its work of provision and productivity. His hyperactive behavior may overshadow the heart’s work, but that may not be a good thing. He may churn for the sake for needing to churn, like a restless young pup. It is at odds with the brother who seeks pleasure, yet both skim past what is unknown to them: peace.

    Your post screams of restlessness on many levels, and instead of more of my odd ramblings, go over Romans chapters 7 and 8, a “mountain-top of the Bible”. Here Paul notes the struggle of his own mind against the members of his body, and concludes that freedom (along with peace) come from Christ, who then by His Spirit teaches us to live as Sons of God. Knowing that we are to rely fully on our Father, as we are children, beset by weakness. But, “the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” (Romans 8:26)

    Come to the Him, come with the burden of your thoughts, “casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7) Then look to the instruction you receive as the Father’s provision for you. See the “rules” that are there as the good things that they are now, since we are not under the Law. They become instead wisdom that is more valuable than gold. Seek contentment in that which He gives, and seek to pour out, for your mind and heart both cry out “I want I want” as needy children. But on the contrary, you know that you have, and what you lack, you ask and He will provide. Not in the way your mind may plan out or the way the heart may dream of, but in the perfect plan of His will. Let your rest be found in His goodness, and your excitement in the depths of His love for all men. To find balance, don’t attempt to weigh and measure what comes to you and place it by your knowledge. No, to find balance you must learn to lay upon the firm foundation, everything, not just the nice looking addition that your church friends can hang out in. There, in a house of faith built on the Solid Rock, you will weather both small winds and great storms, being granted wisdom to know when to open the windows for air and to baton down the hatches. There your mind is overcome by the majesty of the King, and your heart finds true contentment. There you will find your answers, and there your fears will turn into praises.

    Oh yeah, and then eat something, and give thanks to Him for it. :)


    Psalm 131
    O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;
    my eyes are not raised too high;
    I do not occupy myself with things
    too great and too marvelous for me.
    2 But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
    like a weaned child with its mother;
    like a weaned child is my soul within me.
    3 O Israel, hope in the Lord
    from this time forth and forevermore.

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